one year.

On October 1, 2021 we said hello and goodbye to our sweet, beautiful Julia all in the same breath. I cannot even begin to fathom that it has been one year. Though 365 days have gone by, not a second has passed that my heart doesn’t ache. The trauma that I relive every night as I fall asleep, every morning as I wake up, and any time I have a moment to myself makes me feel like I am still in this never ending nightmare. You were not a “pregnancy loss” or a “stillborn”. You were not a sad thing that happened to us or a tragic circumstance. You were a baby. My baby. Our baby. And forever our baby you’ll be.

Our beautiful angel

Trying to figure out how we wanted to honor Julia for her first heavenly birthday was very difficult. It’s not often that you celebrate a birthday and mourn the day of losing someone on the same date. Nonetheless, we knew we wanted to do something.

I went back and forth with wanting to do something so big and special because she is such an important part of our lives, but also struggled with the thought of even opening my eyes and getting out of bed in the morning. Though every day is hard, this day hit me like a ton of bricks. I was mourning the loss of my daughter, while reliving the physical trauma of giving birth, while still fantasizing about what life could have should have been like on this day. So, I gave myself the space to do both. To do something special and to also grieve as much as I needed to and in any way that felt right. I laid in bed all morning. I had Jesse take Joanna to soccer and just gave myself the time and space to cry. I wept over her pictures. I stared at her teeny tiny footprints. I smelled her hospital blanket. I snuggled her weighted teddy bear. I just let it all out. I put myself back where I was one year ago and just let my body feel. When Jesse & Jo got home from soccer, I pulled myself together, and we carried on with the special plans we made for the day.

I had seen another blog post of a loss parent who chose to “pay it forward” on their late son’s birthday. They would do random acts of kindness in honor of their son and I could not think of a more special way to honor Julia than to do the same. We started at Party City where we left money and a note with attached to a big “1” balloon. We also purchased a small “happy birthday” balloon that we brought over to Julia’s grave. After we went to target and left money in random “first birthday” cards and also hid some money in a box of diapers (size 1). To finish our date, we went a local bakery and gave money towards a first birthday cake, and also got a cake for us to celebrate with that night.

After our day of paying it forward, we finished Julia’s day by enjoying some cake at home just the three of us, and lighting a paper lantern. It was the most perfect, heart wrenching day. I have never felt more gutted and more full of love than I do today.

We have decided that we would like to keep this tradition going, not only each year on Julia’s day, but random times throughout the year. I created a business card that we will give out with the acts of kindness in hopes that the recipients will share their experience. We would love to see how these small gestures in Julia’s honor impacts the community around us. We have also decided to use the butterfly as a symbol for Julia.

“A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam and for a brief moment, it’s glory and beauty belong to our world but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed we are thankful to have seen it at all .”

To my Jules,

Happy first Heavenly birthday, baby. I love you more than words can describe and miss you with every fiber of my being. I know you are in the best of hands until we meet again. Until then, I’ll look for you in the butterflies.

All my love,

Mommy